ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

things have been changing in mom-ville. it has been 4 months since I last posted and of course things will change a bit in any 4 month period for most people but the thing that is changing the most this time seems to be from my own internal maternal. maybe it’s because after the 4 months we spent camping in a field we moved into a cabin-ish house with a shower and toilet and a roof and a porch and that alone caused changes in the way that I “mom”. or it could be that because not long after we moved into said house we also took a trip west for a 2 week family gathering and stayed in a ‘house’ house (the kind with AC, hot water, TV, clean sheets on a real bed – all that stuff) and perhaps the experience stirred a latent greed inside me.. or maybe because when we were in that house-house Trekker also had 5 cousins under the age of 10 in the house-house to play with and these cousins introduced him (and me) to the digital babysitter known as ‘cartoons’ who I had been avoiding for ideological reasons but have now started to lean on.. or maybe the fact that these cousins would also come steal Trekker from our room first thing in the morning, just before the moment when he would normally pry my eyes open, and I actually got to sort of almost sleep in a few times – that was a major change right there – the notion of sort of almost sleeping in – that may even have been the main thing – not sure – but something has definitely re-acquainted me with a more individualistic side of myself lately….

maybe it’s because after we went west, we then went even further west and rented a Honda Element (great camping vehicle btw) and proceeded to take a road trip from Los Angeles to Northern Nevada to attend Burning Man where we were surrounded by complete decadence and audacious individualistic artistic expression for a week and perhaps this shocking difference from the previous months of living quietly in nature, tuned into only my baby and nature, might have awakened an inner daemon in me…or perhaps  I got possessed while there…

Or maybe all of the change I feel is due to the fact that Trekker is not a baby anymore and amazingly, though still only 2.5 years out of the womb, I don’t think he even qualifies as a toddler now, and so maybe change is a natural thing all mommies go through as their children grow…

I do know that I started to feel the change when we moved into a house. The house, which is more like a cabin which boasts walls with large, seemingly intentional gaps, was/is very much like camping, but with more to look after and less for Trekker to entertain himself with. The month we were in the house before we went west was maybe my hardest time yet as a mother. I thought about writing but I was always too tired. Suddenly we had the newfound ability to leave a light on at night, but that brought with it a desire in Trekker to stay awake long past sunset. And Trekker speaks fluently now, he voices his desires very well. so that voicing of his desires which conflicted with my own desires (which at the end of each day was simply to rest) started to bring some dissonance into our relationship. The “terrible two” tantrums I had managed to (mostly) avoid while camping were starting to flare up which was stressful on both of us and plus now there was more to clean up. A lot more – besides now having to clean up after ourselves in a way that I’d been able to avoid while camping, I soon came to learn the differences between lizard, frog, bat, and rat dookies. Anyway, I’m grateful that this house was offered to us for the month or so that we’ve spent in it. but I’ve also now confirmed that I much prefer to live in a tent, a car, a boat, or a tiny apartment over a house. (we are moving soon.)

But besides the changes of our environs, and the change of Trekker from being a baby then a toddler and a now small child, the major change I am experiencing inside of myself is of a nagging temptation for pure selfishness. I’ve begun to hear a voice inside screaming ME ME ME! maybe its the super-moon lunar eclipse that just made a partile conjunction to my natal aries moon in the 11th house, or maybe the fact that I just started painting again has rekindled a previously forgotten internal flame, or perhaps I’ve now simply heard the song “wheels on the bus” one too many times, but whatever it is there is a change going on inside and suddenly I want to do much more in my day than be a mom. and I’m feeling the need for a break from some of the mom stuff, at least for this week. I have even enlisted the “Grandies” to read the bedtime stories to Trekker via Skype the last few nights simply because I. don’t. feel. like. reading. those. books.. (dear future Trekker, as you study your own life in the future and look back on your past at the ways your mother may have f’d you up, please realize that this blog entry is not an exclamation of me having stopped loving you, in fact I love you more now than ever (though i may have occasionally envisioned taking a cartoon slingshot to your friend Dora the Explorer, this is no reflection on my love for you.) In truth this post is about the realization I am having which is that I will be a much better mother to you in the future if I start getting some ME TIME in now. Love forever, mom)

The great news is: Trekker has been accepted into the school I want him to go to and he starts next week! And he really wants to go. This will be wonderful for both of us.  AND I have a meeting lined up next week to talk about potentially working with an Auroville farmer’s org to implement my dream app (a related project to the worldfoodgarden.org dream- but this time I would be working with others between a real desk in a real office and regular visits to real farms rather than trying to hold it all together myself staring at a computer from a couch-slouch in some distant, remote, distracting cafe.) And I have other projects on the fire as well (stay tuned!)  Also this week I have finally hired an evening sitter (seriously! 2.5 years later!) who Trekker so far loves and who has so far allowed me to partake in one tango dance class and one flamenco dance class, both of which have felt like a small sip given to a very dehydrated inner diva.  So selfishness accepted.

But don’t worry dear reader, Trekker will not go neglected. A balance will be found. Friends at school will replace Daniel Tiger and Dora the Explorer, and bedtime stories will soon make a zest-filled come-back. Once school begins everything will change. Again. For now I will reframe my new desire to seemingly rebel from mom-hood with a re-appropriation of the oral tradition passed on by stewards and stewardesses across the skies “Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child.”

Sincerely,

The Little Engine that Could also dance the Tango…

(photo highlights of the past few months coming soon)

2 Comments ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

  1. Jash Sabharwal

    Loved reading your blog. I actually read through the entire thing in one sitting.

    Hats off to you and trekker. Always dreamt of visiting Auroville.

    Reply

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